Pumpkin and Spice

 

As I've told you all, my father had recently been fighting a very difficult battle against MRSA, which unfortunately infected his heart and lungs. I flew up to Kansas a couple weeks ago, but I didn't mention that I was going up because he was going into hospice. I arrived on the 17^th, and on March 22^nd, Dad passed away.
It's of course hard, and very sad... but it's hard to explain how extremely sick he was, and how heartbreaking it was to see him in his hospital room, looking so tired and ill and weak. My mom, brother and I tried to count ourselves lucky that we were able to be with him and help make him comfortable during his days in palliative care.
Once Dad was moved out of critical care and into his palliative care (hospice) room, he was permitted to eat solid foods if he wished. (In critical care he had a feeding tube.) When we were told that, I knew I had to make him something, and it didn't take much thinking to decide what- after I graduated from pastry school, Dad was always telling me how much he loved lemon cake, and when I opened my own bakery I had to make lemon cake. (Nevermind that I kept reminding him that I don't really want to open a bakery...) When I asked him if he would like me to make him lemon cake, his eyes lit up and he nodded (he couldn't speak because of the tracheotomy he had) and mouthed to me that he wanted "lots of frosting".
Being in Kansas, I didn't have access to my notes/baking journals/recipes, so I just used the lemon chiffon recipe from the Better Homes and Garden cookbook (my grandma and I have the same copy- from 1965... I think mine is my paternal grandmother's old copy.) The only change I made was adding lemon extract to make it more lemony. I portioned it into cupcakes, baked them, then filled them with lemon curd. I made a simple buttercream with butter, shortening, confectioner's sugar, lemon juice and lemon extract, and topped the cupcakes with a generous mound of icing.
When I brought them into Dad, he looked so excited. I cut one up and fed it to him slowly, one bite at a time. Since he hadn't eaten solid food in a month, he hadn't been eating much, but he ate a whole cupcake. When he was finished he mouthed "Thank you" and that he loved it, then I held his hand until he fell asleep.
It made me feel good to be able to share that moment with him. It's hard to let him go, especially as he was so young. I feel like there are so many more moments I wanted to have with him, but I remind myself that no matter how much time we have with a loved one, we always wish we had just a little more. We can't waste our time wishing for what we didn't have- we have to be grateful for the moments that we were given together.

Again, I want to thank you all for your kind words and support during these difficult months- I really can't express how much it means to me.

I've been trying to eat healthier and lose some of my "pastry fat". However, I've also been pretty stressed out the past few months. And, since I tend to be a stress eater, I've really not lost any weight (though I haven't gained any either, which tells me that if I could lay off the comfort foods, I might actually be dropping weight...)

"They" (scientists, nutritionists, moms everywhere...) say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, especially if you're trying to lose weight. It helps jump-start your metabolism for the day, and studies have shown that people who eat breakfast eat fewer calories throughout the day than those that don't. Most mornings, Kyle and I have been making healthy smoothies (that recipe will be another post), but every now and then we need a little change.
Muffins are a breakfast classic, but there is usually so much sugar and fat in them, that they are basically just a cupcake without icing. I want something with some redeeming nutritional value, which is where my bran muffins come into play. They're packed with fiber and protein, so they're nice and filling. All the fat in them is the healthy unsaturated kinds- from the flax, bran and nuts. They're lightly sweet, with lovely bursts of tangy dried fruits. I used apricots, golden raisins, cranberries and cherries, but you could use any combo of your favorite dried fruits. When you bite into them, the little bits of fruit made me think of little gems, which is why I named these Jewel Box Bran Muffins. Pair them with a cup of coffee or a latte made with skim milk, and you have a filling, healthy breakfast that comes in at under 300 calories (that's including the latte!- providing you get a "tall" with skim, and stick to splenda or stevia for sweetening it.)

Bake and freeze them, and you can grab one, nuke it for about 30 seconds, and run out the door with a healthy, fast alternative to a breakfast sandwich at a fast food place or that calorie-bomb muffin you were eyeballin' at Starbucks.

I've been postponing writing this update, because it's really hard to think about. As you all know, my dad has been in the hospital since January with MRSA. I had gone up in February, after he had heart surgery, and it seemed he was slowly getting better. However, last week, he was having a lot of fluid in his lungs; the doctors cultured the fluid and found more MRSA. Since then, he has deteriorated very quickly. The doctors have started him on a steroid treatment, but at this point the outlook is very bleak.
I am, by nature, an optimist, but I am also a realist, and this is a difficult collision of the two- of reality crushing that hope that was trying so hard to shine in my heart.
I'll be traveling up to Kansas to be with my family on Wednesday for two weeks. I'll still be posting ('cause baking is good for the soul, and sharing with you guys lifts my spirits), but I can't make any promises as to the frequency of the posts.
Thank you all for your support and prayers and kind words. If you all were here, I'd give you a big hug.

 I miss baking. I miss the feel of soft, smooth dough pressed beneath my palm, and the ache in my arm from whisking a custard. I love the mechanical whir of the floor mixer, and the satisfaction of having a recipe turn out perfectly.There's a satisfaction to the physicality of the job, too- coming home with an aching back and tired feet, and knuckles dry and cracking from being in flour all day. I miss that at my current job- I mean, cake decorating is all well and good, but it's very assembly line. The cakes are premade, the icings are premade... I just put them together.

My last day off, I had an overwhelming urge to bake something. I don't bake at home as often as I would like, mostly because I work all day, go to the gym afterwards, and am tired when I finally get home. Cooking dinner is generally the extent of my ambition. After that, I just wanna relax and maybe watch some Lost. (OMG! Final season of Lost!)

But, it was my day off, and it seems like ages since I've baked anything other than cookies. Given the luxury of time, I decided that baking a loaf of bread was just the baking-therapy I needed.