Pumpkin and Spice

As I've told you all, my father had recently been fighting a very difficult battle against MRSA, which unfortunately infected his heart and lungs. I flew up to Kansas a couple weeks ago, but I didn't mention that I was going up because he was going into hospice. I arrived on the 17^th, and on March 22^nd, Dad passed away.
It's of course hard, and very sad... but it's hard to explain how extremely sick he was, and how heartbreaking it was to see him in his hospital room, looking so tired and ill and weak. My mom, brother and I tried to count ourselves lucky that we were able to be with him and help make him comfortable during his days in palliative care.
Once Dad was moved out of critical care and into his palliative care (hospice) room, he was permitted to eat solid foods if he wished. (In critical care he had a feeding tube.) When we were told that, I knew I had to make him something, and it didn't take much thinking to decide what- after I graduated from pastry school, Dad was always telling me how much he loved lemon cake, and when I opened my own bakery I had to make lemon cake. (Nevermind that I kept reminding him that I don't really want to open a bakery...) When I asked him if he would like me to make him lemon cake, his eyes lit up and he nodded (he couldn't speak because of the tracheotomy he had) and mouthed to me that he wanted "lots of frosting".
Being in Kansas, I didn't have access to my notes/baking journals/recipes, so I just used the lemon chiffon recipe from the Better Homes and Garden cookbook (my grandma and I have the same copy- from 1965... I think mine is my paternal grandmother's old copy.) The only change I made was adding lemon extract to make it more lemony. I portioned it into cupcakes, baked them, then filled them with lemon curd. I made a simple buttercream with butter, shortening, confectioner's sugar, lemon juice and lemon extract, and topped the cupcakes with a generous mound of icing.
When I brought them into Dad, he looked so excited. I cut one up and fed it to him slowly, one bite at a time. Since he hadn't eaten solid food in a month, he hadn't been eating much, but he ate a whole cupcake. When he was finished he mouthed "Thank you" and that he loved it, then I held his hand until he fell asleep.
It made me feel good to be able to share that moment with him. It's hard to let him go, especially as he was so young. I feel like there are so many more moments I wanted to have with him, but I remind myself that no matter how much time we have with a loved one, we always wish we had just a little more. We can't waste our time wishing for what we didn't have- we have to be grateful for the moments that we were given together.

Again, I want to thank you all for your kind words and support during these difficult months- I really can't express how much it means to me.

As much as I like my job/externship, it's been a difficult couple months. Starting a new job is always an adjustment, but I also had to adjust to moving to a new city, in a new state, 2000 miles away from my husband. It's been hard, but thankfully, I didn't have to spend my Christmas alone. My parents, my brother and Kyle all came out to Utah to spend the holiday with me.

They rented a condo, so I temporarily moved out of my "dorm room" and in with them. Their first day here, we had to hit the local Albertsons to pick up provisions, as well as a ham for Christmas dinner. While we were there, we saw former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney in the produce section (he has a home in Park City.) Kyle was totally excited about our "celebrity" sighting, but wouldn't go ask for a picture.

I was woken up this morning at 7a by the loudest alarm clock on earth blaring for at least a solid minute in a room down the hallway from me! Of course, after that, I suddenly became aware of all the other noises in the building and couldn't fall back asleep. Still, my alarm wasn't to go off until 7:45, so I layed in bed as long as I could manage. Finally, I gave up, and just got up. At this point, Sissy had already started making coffee, so the smell of coffee helped coax me out of bed.

After breakfast, I hopped on the bus to go to kickboxing class. I was still anxious, and seeing the other people in class didn't really help. They were all slim, athletic-looking women with perfect make-up and styled hair. Who styles their hair to go to the gym?! Who wears make-up to the gym?! Am I crazy? So there I am, pasty and pale, easily the chubbiest person in class, in baggy yoga pants and a Led Zepplin t-shirt, with my sleep-wonky hair scraped into a ponytail. Yeah, I was feeling hot. I mostly hid in the back row and hoped no one would notice me. Now, I used to take a boxing class at my old gym, and I wasn't too bad, if I do say so. However, within 15min, I was wheezing, sweaty and red-faced. My arms and legs felt like I had lead weights on them. I thought I was gonna die. Okay, not really. I knew I wasn't gonna die, I just wished I would. But, I kept with it, just modifying exercises so I could do them. After class, the instructor stopped me and asked me if she had just signed me up for my gym pass a couple days ago. (She had.) She asked if I liked the class, and how the move was affecting me. She mentioned that when she moved to Park City, she had experienced "heavy limbs"- that her arms and legs felt like she was wearing weights. I was so excited to hear that! I told her I felt that way, and that I was worried that I was just in worse shape than I thought. She said it took her at least a month to work past the heavy limbs and the shortness of breath. That made me feel a lot better!

Mama Pumpkin got in safe last night. Once she landed, we picked up a rental car, stopped for a fortifying snack at Ben and Jerry's. (CoffeeCoffee BuzzBuzzBuzz and Peanut Butter Cookie Dough for me- I need to start just getting one scoop, though. I never finish two scoops.)

After ice cream, we headed back to the apartment to drop off my car and pick up me and Kyle's luggage. I packed myself a small bag of food 'n' stuff for the trip. I didn't pack much, because I know my mom, and she usually brings enough food for an expedition to Mt. Everest. I just packed a few essentials-

Once Halloween is over and the weather here in Florida starts to cool down, my thoughts turn to the upcoming holidays. Come November, I'm totally ready to start getting ready for Thanksgiving and Christmas... This year, however, I'm feeling a little more wistful than usual, because I won't be home for the holidays. I don't know about you guys, but this time of year, I crave tradition and things that make me remember holidays past.

One food that always makes me think of winter time and the holidays is my dad's beer cheese soup. Once the weather would get cold, his soup was one of my favorite dinners, and every year Dad would make it to take to the annual Christmas party. It's rich, cheesy, with smoky bacon, and a slight tang from the beer. Pair it with a crisp green salad and some crusty sourdough bread, and you're on your way to cozy soup heaven!